Maybe, Maybe, Maybe
by minky-way
Summary: Valentine's is a hard time of year when you're single, especially if you're obsessed with your best friend but have no spine (Metaphorically, of course)


"Hey, um, I didn't know what time you wanted me so I just showed up, that's cool right?"

"Yeah, yeah, I wasn't doing anything," shrugged, because he didn't really do much anyway and today was especially lethargic for him, just planning on lounging about in his sweats and feeling miserable. He might even eat a carton of ice cream and be the very picture of single life on this, the most romantic day of the year (supposedly anyway), just shifting to the side so Sei could enter and ditch his coat, still bitterly cold outside.

"How come you didn't respond to my text?"

"Oh, my coil's turned off." He answered casually, like it was completely reasonable to have turned off the only way Sei could contact him, on a day he knew they were hanging out but hadn't planned well, feeling a little put out that he had been aware of what Sei had assumed was accidental ignoring.

"Okay… Why?"

"Really?" He sounded disbelieving and Sei could tell he was in a bad mood even as he continued, talking a little like Sei was stupid and he really didn't appreciate that. "You know what day it is, right?"

"Valentine's. So what's that got to do with anything?"

"I am not going anywhere near that thing, social networking today will blow up with '#LuckyGirl' and pictures of bunches of flowers and eugh." The fact he actually said the full hashtag was very amusing to Sei, but he managed to control his amusement because he knew his friend was right, he'd already seen two pictures of jewellery with that exact tag that morning. "I don't want to see any of it, yesterday was bad enough."

"Oh, okay, that makes sense I guess," it didn't really, because Sei didn't exactly love his feeds being filled with pictures of happy couples and romantic gestures, and of course always at least one cliché engagement, but he didn't hate it enough to abandon his entire communication system. "So what's the plan for today?"

"Movies and food?"

"Sounds good to me," it was what they always did, but routine wasn't necessarily a bad thing and Sei was learning that the more film night, or days in this case, they had, the more he enjoyed them, settling into a comfortable role easily.

* * *

"Valentine's Day sucks."

As an introductory sentence in a seemingly newly started conversation, it was a bold one, and Sei blinked absently, turning to face his seemingly sulking friend with a little bit of concern in his eyes, but none in his voice. "In general, or this one in particular? Because if you mean the latter I'm going to be offended."

"Obviously in general," he smiled, because he of course hadn't meant today, today would be just like when they normally hung out, which was partially reassuring and particularly heart-breaking and made him wonder if he actually had any backbone whatsoever. "I mean don't you agree? Everybody's being all gross and happy, spending money on consumerist, capitalist bullshit they don't need to try and prove their love to somebody who should already know how they feel. It's disgusting and pointless."

Sei didn't respond for a second, just raised one slim eyebrow and rolled his eyes, "you know, you're going to be a terrible boyfriend."

"Oh, I know, why do you think I'm still single?"

"Because…" he actually had to think about it, because Mizuki was nice, friendly, good looking, in shape, all the things that would encourage people to flock to him in search of romance, and he had difficulties finding any flaws with him, but he guessed being his best friend made him a little biased. "You're picky?"

"Well… No, but," he paused, disgruntled, because he hadn't really expected Sei to reply, and not with something he couldn't even argue against, but it wasn't so much a matter of being picky as it was of having already placed his affections elsewhere. "Yeah okay I guess I am a bit. But isn't that good? I had like three separate women yesterday ask if I had plans for today, I could easily have been like 'nope,' and got myself a date."

"I don't think it was a date they were after."

"Well no, neither do I. But you know, bisexuality and all that."

"I thought you said you were certain you were actually gay?"

"Yeah, but come on Sei, action is action." He looked suitably unamused and he tried to back himself up, not succeeding as the other just snorted in disbelief. "I haven't had sex in a really long time, okay?"

"You talk like it's a necessity. I'm sure you can manage without it."

"That's a matter of opinion," Sei just inclined his head in a semi nod at this, well aware that he wasn't entirely able to judge on those kind of issues, having never had much interest himself, and certainly no opportunities.

They were silent for a little while, Mizuki lying face down on the sofa and looking for all the world like a sulking child, Sei forced to lie his legs across his where he took up all the space and calmly leafing through Mizuki's latest tattooing magazine, examining an intricate and very beautiful flower design. But then he paused, because there was something he'd wanted to say earlier but hadn't, and it almost mirrored his feelings about this day, "Mizuki."

"Mm?"

He kept his voice neutral and calm, the last thing he'd want was to offend him, because after all maybe he was wrong, maybe he was the only one who hated this day purely because he was too alone to take part. "You know, the way you talk about today makes you sound a little jealous."

He rolled over at that, so without warning that Sei squeaked as his legs were abruptly forced up to his chin, knee almost whacking him in the face but managing to compose himself remarkably fast as the bartender stared at him, maybe trying to work out if he was being mocked.

"Aren't you?"

He shrugged, because he was more than willing to admit that this day didn't exactly fill him with joy either, "a bit."

"Well so I am. Of course I am, who wouldn't be? I have to watch all my friends go off and do nice things with their partners while I'm hopelessly single and will be forever. I swear if you ever get a boyfriend I will have nothing to live for."

"Don't you think that's a bit far?" He knew the bartender could be too dramatic sometimes, but that was most definitely a huge exaggeration, and if it wasn't he'd be deeply alarmed by it, because really, he was sure making a big fuss over this day.

"Nope, seriously, if you were off with somebody I'd be stuck in by myself for the whole day. I can't even watch TV, its all rom-coms and dating shows and ugh."

"Good thing you've got Netflix then, isn't it?"

"Sure is, oh, also did I tell you Tio was meant to be here too?"

He frowned at that, because Mizuki had in fact not told him that, which was surprising, not that he really would have minded, Tio was nice and they got along well enough that he supposed it wouldn't have bothered him to turn up and find him there. "Nope, so why isn't he?

"He messaged me, apparently Kin turned up at his door and announced he was taking him out."

"What, like a surprise?"

"Yep, he sounded very pleased about it," if Sei didn't know Mizuki better, he'd say he sounded bitter, actually, screw that, he was bitter and it was obvious, flinching as Sei whacked him with the magazine, pretty hard actually.

"Stop being a misery, that's really cute, aren't you glad he's happy?"

"Yes, of course I am! But when do I get to be?"

Sei sighed quietly, regarding his friend almost sadly, because he joked about being single normally, about being forever alone, and he always assumed he was joking, but today seemed to have brought all these issues to the front of his mind and Sei didn't like to see him like this. "You'll find somebody nice, Mizuki, we _both_ will. Now can we please do something else? This is getting depressing."

If he heard Mizuki mumble that life was depressing a moment later, he ignored it in favour of picking up the takeaway leaflet on the coffee table, watching the bartender set up the TV so they could watch something utterly non-romantic and be miserable together.

"You do realise the takeaways will be really busy today? We'll probably have to wait longer for food."

"Oh," his voice was as devoid of emotion as Sei had expected, and he almost waited for another rant about how stupid this day and whole holiday was, but it didn't come and he was surprised for a second, but he wasn't going to complain. "Wanna order now then?"

"Sure, we getting the usual?"

"Yeah, oh but get some of those cookies, I kinda want some."

"Okay," he nodded and dialled the number on his coil, reciting their usual order easily enough, one large pizza, half vegetarian, half meat feat, with Italian garlic crust, and went to continue, but the woman spoke up and he paused, lowering the coil. "They've got a special deal on, for Valentine's, buy one pizza get one free.

"So get another one, or actually, get a whole vegetarian one and a whole meat feat one, that way you won't accidentally get chicken on like two of your slices and freak out."

He wanted to argue that he had not, 'freaked out' even a little bit, but the woman was waiting for him to order so he quickly told her the new idea and the extras, dipping sauces obviously, the cookies Mizuki had requested, cheesy nachos for him, and chicken wings for Mizuki.

"Alright hun, that'll be about an hour and a half? We're real busy today," apart from her apparent inability to speak properly, he also knew that the bartender would most likely not be happy that all the cute couples meant he had to wait longer to stuff his single face with pizza until he felt better.

"Yeah that's fine, thank you." He smiled as he hung up, because he couldn't exactly say no, could he? Everywhere else would be the same and this place was their favourite, seemed they'd just have to wait, and while Sei was fine with that, he had the feeling Mizuki might not be.

"How long?"

"Ninety minutes," he said it calmly enough, as if he didn't think it was a little excessive either, because their normal wait was probably about forty-five minutes at the very longest, not double that or possibly more.

"Ninety minutes?!" As anticipated he was irritated, grumbling absently even as he began flicking through the movies on the screen, gesturing to it with the remote. "It's because all those couples are Netflix and chilling, disgusting."

"Mizuki that's what we're doing."

He paused for a second then, because he knew what Sei meant, he meant they were literally going to watch movies, albeit on Netflix, and hang out, he meant the less depraved version, the version Mizuki felt it should be. But it would still be funny to tease him, blinking absently and rolling his eyes as if amazed at his boldness, "I don't know what you think you're here for, but whatever floats your boat I guess."  
He raised a mildly amused, half incredulous eyebrow at that, "are you saying you want to _'Netflix and chill'_ , with me?" He held his hands up in air quotes as he spoke so Mizuki would know he meant the new meaning, rather than the traditional, literal one that didn't involve any transition of bodily fluids.

"In the platonic sense, yes."

"How reassuring, and for a moment I thought I was your emergency Valentine's Day hook up." He was joking, and Mizuki knew it too, but he had to admit the idea wasn't that unappealing, or it wouldn't be if he knew Sei was that type of person anyway, but he wasn't and they were just friends and he was too pathetic to ever change that.

So he just shrugged and pretended like spending a day with this much significance with Sei didn't make everything in him feel heavy and sad, because it wasn't the way it should be and he felt powerless to change that. "Like I said, I had offers already."

"And like I said, they were all from women and you're really gay."

"But you're my best friend and this conversation is getting weird." It almost sounded like Sei was objecting to not being his emergency hook up, if that was even a thing, he was fairly sure it wasn't, he had the feeling he meant a booty call, but Sei wasn't that, and probably never would be for anyone, and at this rate, certainly never for him. It was like he was trying to reason with him why he'd be the best choice for a last minute, desperate valentine's day hook-up, and while Mizuki could think of several himself, namely to do with pale skin and slim thighs, he wasn't sure Sei realised the impact of his words at all.

"You started it," he remarked neutrally enough, but Mizuki could see his smile, badly hidden behind the magazine he still held, not focused on the words or the images, but on the now indignant face of his best friend.

"I did not! You were the one who referred to movie day as Netflix and chill."

"You didn't disagree!"

"That is not the meaning I meant and you know it, pervert." He mumbled the last word, because Sei was no pervert, but he still heard it, just rolling his eyes at how weak his attempts to insult him had become.

"Oh yeah, I'm the pervert. Mr. 'I'm gay until I can't get a man then, oh wait, a woman will do." It was a little mean, just verging on being nasty, but Sei was only joking, whatever Mizuki was, straight, bi, gay, was none of his business, nor was who he chose to sleep with, he would know it was a joke, a pointed jab not meant to actually hurt.  
He just looked exasperated, throwing Sei the remote and just laughing breathily as he neatly caught it and stuck his tongue out childishly, trying to ignore the asshole part of his brain that deemed it cute. "Have I ever told you you're a little shit?"

"Lots of times," he shrugged, because, believe it or not, Sei could be a massive pest when he wanted to, almost like a cat with his demands for attention, and Mizuki was wise by now to all his clever tricks.

"So I guess another one wouldn't make a difference?"

"Not particularly," he remarked blandly, flicking through the magazine so casually Mizuki felt his eyebrow twitch of its own accord, just glancing up at him as if he was the one who had started this whole thing. "So are you putting a film on or not?"

"Depends, are you planning on jumping me halfway through?" Another joke, that was all this ever was, just another funny joke, another thing to laugh at, hilarious, the image of Sei being vaguely interested in him, really humorous. Not at all soul crushing and making him feel worse than ever, because he would almost have spent today alone than with Sei, because he knew nothing would happen and having him so close hurt deep inside sometimes.

"No, then we'd miss the pizza," he spoke as he always did, like his words were obvious, as obvious as Mizuki's inability to just act, to ask him out somewhere and stress that it was a date, to tell him he liked him, to try and hold his hand or kiss him or just _anything._

"That's the only issue?"

"No there are several, I'm just really hungry."

"Well as long as it's not for me." Sei just rolled his eyes, because really, who said a line like that?

* * *

Nearly two hours later, after one fairly awful horror movie that Mizuki had picked because he thought it wouldn't contain any romance, the pizza arrived, and while he'd been wrong about the film, at least the romance in it was more sex based than anything, leading to a mildly awkward and rather drawn out scene that they'd both coped with by pretending to ignore.

"Can I pick the next movie then?" After Mizuki's choice had been nothing short of traumatizing, he felt he had more than a little right to choose the next one, taking the remote before he even answered and looking through the new releases.

"Oh God yes, nothing… Pornographic please," he remarked, opening his pizza already and sliding Sei's over the coffee table to him, words ' ', written in excessively messy kanji on top, deciding not to open it til the movie was chosen, so as not to let the heat out of course.

"Sure, it'll be hot by the way," his warning, as usual, came a little too late, bartender making a series of high pitched noises as he bit into stringy cheese masking red hot tomato sauce, mouthful promptly plopping down onto the cardboard box with an unnervingly wet splat. "How do you manage to do that every time?"

"We've been waiting two hours, I'm really hungry!" He decided not to mention that this happened _every_ single time they ordered, the first bite always hurt him and ended up spat out unpleasantly, but still he didn't learn.

"Mm-hm, hey, what about this? Or do you want to wait til we've eaten?" He scrolled down the description as Mizuki read it, nodding in approval then pausing to stick his burnt tongue out and regard it rather sadly.

"Hm, maybe wait, just stick on an episode of something in the background. If I'm watching a film I want to pay attention," he paused, chewing thoughtfully for a second then taking a swig of Fanta, having already retrieved the bottle from his fridge. "Which is why Netflix and chill makes no sense, because if I invited somebody over to watch a film and halfway through they tried to jump me I'd just be annoyed I was missing the film."

"What if it was like the one we just watched?"

"Oh, then I guess I wouldn't mind."

"So there's your solution, if you actually want to watch a film, do it alone. If you want sex, watch a film you don't care about."

"Okay okay, so what if you pick something you think will be terrible, then you get really into it?"

"Well, in that case you'd see if they were enjoying it and if they were you'd just finish watching it together, and if not you'd 'chill', and watch the rest of it by yourself when they were gone."

"You have put a weird amount of thought into this."

"Well of course, I plan on being a perfect boyfriend, doesn't hurt to prepare."

"A boyfriend to somebody who invites you to Netflix and chill?"

"Well you never know."

"I guess…" But he went back to his pizza after that, because shoving himself full of carbs and enough meat to give him heart failure seemed like the best option right now, because he'd never heard Sei talk like this before and he didn't much like it. He'd never really expressed any particular desire to be in a relationship, let alone one like that, and the casual way he spoke about it made his stomach twist unpleasantly even as he tried to fill the void with greasy food.

He didn't want to hear Sei talking like that, thinking about his future with somebody who wasn't him, having Netflix and chill nights where the chill didn't mean just hanging out, he didn't want to think about somebody else touching him, spending all their time with him.

He almost wished he hadn't suggested that they both did something, he would have had a nicer time being single and miserable by himself, because who the fuck would subject themselves to the torture of spending yet more time with the person they were secretly besotted with?

* * *

"You know, there's one good thing about Valentine's," Sei mused, picking out a good nacho chip from the box and flicking a jalapeno off it with a grimace, always hating the heat but never remembering to ask the takeaway to leave them off.

"Oh really? Do tell."

"The new molten chocolate Frappuccino at Starbucks is pretty good." It was true, he always loved trying the seasonal drinks, and after the hot version had been absolutely disgusting he'd been reluctant to try the other, but his first sip had him returning to get one almost every day.

Mizuki just stared at him disbelievingly, realising he wasn't joking or trying to be ironic, and rolling his eyes with a vaguely mocking grin, "God, sometimes you're such a basic white girl,"

"And sometimes you're an asshole."

He just grinned at that, shrugging as if to say that he was well aware, gesturing to the screen where a new animation was pulled up, "what about this?"

"Dinosaurs? Hm, might be cute. Yeah, why not," he liked animations a lot, possibly more than real films, the characters were just a lot more likeable when they weren't real, though he wasn't sure how he could explain that even to himself. Changing the topic a second later as Mizuki scrolled to see how many stars it had, "okay, so seeing as you hate today so much, which is worse, today or New year's?"

He didn't even hesitate, which was mildly annoying, especially since Sei had wanted him to put some thought into it, but then, maybe had before today so the answer was simple. "Today, definitely."

"Elaborate," whether his words were discernible round his newly stuffed in mouthful of pizza, he wasn't sure, but knowing Mizuki he'd explain even without prompt.

"Well sure there's pressure to kiss somebody at midnight on New Year's, but nobody really cares if you don't, you just hug your best friend or whoever and its fine as long as you're with somebody. But Valentine's is like… People pity you, and it's just depressing if you don't get anything."

"You mean like presents?" He tilted his head to the side, because really, if Mizuki wanted someone to buy him chocolates all he'd have to do was say and Sei would, as much for the irony of it as for anything else.

"Nah, like cuddles and affection or whatever, it's just a very lonely day for us single people." He had a point, the loneliest thing about Valentine's Day was that it made you realise you were lonely, which sounded a little stupid which was true nonetheless, seeing all the happy couples made you realise how miserable you were. The hype surrounding it didn't help either, couples around you expressing how excited they were, even if they were just staying in like Ren and Aoba, you knew they'd get loads of attention and snuggled and everything else that mad being single so hard. Seeing the increased affection made you realise how much you missed it, craved it, making the idea of just getting a hug seem about a million times more appealing and a million times less likely at the same time.

"If you stop complaining I'll cuddle you later," he was half joking, but both of them knew that when they actually put a movie on that was good enough to pay attention to, they may as well call their seating positions cuddling. Sei liked to spread out, which meant either he had to sit at the L-shaped end of the sofa, or Mizuki had to deal with having his legs over his lap, or sometimes he squirmed up small next to him and almost always got tired and ending up resting his head on his shoulder. It was the closest to cuddling either of them ever came anyway, and right now, for their lonely souls and fragile emotions it seemed like that would be a blessing.

* * *

They watched another couple of films, the animation Mizuki had chosen was indeed cute but had ended rather unsatisfyingly and so Sei took it upon himself to pick the next movie, announcing it as if the other would ever dream of objecting. Finding a horror flick with a decent amount of stars, which for that genre meant five and above, and putting it on, settling back down and being offered the box of cookies, which he accepted only because it was Valentine's and single people were meant to stuff their faces.

Then that film ended and they'd shifted positions, head falling, as anticipated, onto Mizuki's shoulder because it was growing dark outside and he'd gotten up horribly early to the sound of his brother and Ren having sex, not an enjoyable experience. They probably had time for another one, but he was really tired and it was nearly midnight already, while he knew he was more than welcome to stay, he had the feeling Mizuki wouldn't appreciate his company tonight, so he yawned and stretched a little.

He paused only for a second before he acted, because it was a dumb idea and he knew it, but it might cheer Mizuki up and that was all he wanted, lifting his head from his shoulder to press a dry kiss to his cheek, feeling him stiffen up where their arms pressed together.

He turned to regard him slowly, one eyebrow raised in confusion and lips twisted into something almost like a frown, which was not the response Sei had expected, and didn't massively appreciate either. "Um, what was that for?"

"Now somebody's kissed you on valentine's day," he shrugged, because after all a kiss on the cheek didn't exactly bother him, and hopefully Mizuki would see the humour in it enough to appreciate his attempts to cheer him up. But he frowned and Sei's face fell a little, wondering just why he was so down about today, because sure, Sei always felt a little lonelier on this day, but not to such an extent.

"Well that doesn't count."

"You're never happy, are you?" He grumbled, rolling his eyes in sheer exasperation, because sometimes the bartender was really useless, just crossing his arms and raising an unimpressed eyebrow. "I'd give you a pity kiss but I don't think you'd appreciate it."

He was joking again, and Mizuki half wondered what he'd do if he actually said that yeah he'd like that, knowing it wouldn't be good and just shrugging one shoulder not meeting his eye even as he stood to leave, pulling on his shoes and jacket. "Not massively, thanks for trying though,"

"Sure, and cheer up. In half an hour this day will be over for another year," he offered him a smile as he stood to let him out, because if anything that news made him look sadder, maybe realising that he'd spent another day meant for romance utterly alone. Leaning in for a hug because he didn't like seeing him sad, not sure if Mizuki hugging tighter than usual was a conscious act or not. "Maybe next year, yeah?"

"Yeah, maybe," but as he waved him off he knew that a year still wouldn't be long enough to gather himself enough to do something, to try and take this to the stage he really wanted, just shutting the door behind him and glad that Sei at least had a nice day.

* * *

He wasn't sure why he was angry, or who at, himself, Mizuki, this entire day, the stupid couple in front of him holding hands and taking up the whole fucking path inconsiderately with their dumb happiness. It was probably just the couple to be honest, but the worst thing of all was that he knew how Mizuki felt, it was so obvious but he just wouldn't act on it and Sei was too afraid to do it himself. No, it wasn't fear, it was his stupid stubbornness, this strange part of him saying that if he acted it would end badly, or that somehow Mizuki had to be the one to ask, that if he did it would upset him or something dumb, cursing his anxiety at times like this when it burned deep in his lungs.

Getting home to see Aoba and Ren curled up on the couch didn't help either, brothers legs across his lap and fingers tangled messily as they watched TV, dark haired boy gazing at him like he was the sun. He just stalked past, slamming his bedroom door behind him and not even feeling guilty as he no doubt disturbed them, he felt angry and frustrated, most of all this was frustrating, having to wait for somebody else to get brave.

Maybe next year, he'd said, but God Mizuki hadn't understood, he'd thought Sei meant that maybe they'd spend next year apart, separate with people that they loved, hadn't understood that Sei wanted them to be together the way they always were but so differently. Just fell into bed with a scowl and wished this day to be over, White Day just a blip on the horizon now, because how could he return feelings he hadn't been told about?

But next year, there was always next year, maybe he'd get braver, or maybe Mizuki would. But that was all they had, that uncertainty, the vague possibility that something might happen, nothing more than maybe, maybe, maybe.


End file.
